Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
