Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
