I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
