Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
