my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
