There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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