Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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