Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
