She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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