did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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