I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
