I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
