she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A bitchslap is in order.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
