I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
