My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
