I just threw up on my dentist
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
