I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
