We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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