So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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