i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
