If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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