Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm really busy with my period
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