Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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