And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
