wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
