ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
