My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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