I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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