I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
