Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
