i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
