I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I would ride that face into the sunset
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
