I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
