I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
