You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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