So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
