One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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