There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
