he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
