My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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