Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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