i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
