So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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