i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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