My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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