What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
