She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
