my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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