You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
