I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
