i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
MIDGETS
????
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
