By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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