Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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