can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
