In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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