I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
