I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
