I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
