I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
