I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
